you know, theres an art gallery in the next town over, i only learned that recently. and i mean i guess i should have known, like stef was surprised i *didnt* know that when i told him about it, err . and he was all like, 'well your paintings should be in there, dont you think, theyd fit in just fine' and i was like, 'ohhhh well, i dont really know, why dont we go together sometime'. and, anyway. how does he even know its there in the first place? he doesnt have a car, im the one that takes him everywhere, and we stick together , usually, oh i dont know.
thats the town where my job is but to be honest i dont really know whats there, actually, other than the grocery store where i get a lunch sometimes, because ... well, i dont live there, so ...
okay , thats not the point or where this is meant to be going

so we went to the gallery together, it was nice like he said, its neat that theres people that live in the area that make art too, i didnt know any names there, but of course not i dont know very many people at all , and i assume its all people from that town anyway, and the only people that live there that i know are my coworkers
yes very nice and inspirational it was very cool and nice to see. i mean i guess it would be okay to have my art up in there. but i dont know why it ever would be, its not like i can just go up to the worker and say 'im an artist, do you want to hang up my stuff too' , they probably get that sometimes though imagine how awkward . .. maybe if they have some special exhibit or something, ... they had a poster up for an young artist exhibit, so, maybe they'd do other things ... like that .... well im not young enough, but i think you understand what im getting at

and then there was this big room in there, to the left of the main hallway, it was dim and empty and we didnt think we were even supposed to go in there at first . it was like 2pm so the dimness was kind of weird, but we were like 'well they would have blocked the doorway probably if we werent supposed to go in there,' and okay well it wasnt actually empty there was this big silhouette. and thats why we were curious because , err okay well i didnt really want to go in because i was convinced we werent supposed to but stef really wanted to go see so okay fine lets go. but as far as we could tell it was empty except for the silhouette. the dimness was because the windows were covered and the only lights on were spotlights on whatever the big thing was . so we went in. and we got close and this silhouette is this big marble statue behind those err . rope, things, so that you dont touch it, you know what i mean,. its carved so intricately, its this human like figure (but not quite, because of the horns and wings,) it really is carved so beautifully, both masculine and feminine at the same time i was just so enchanted it felt like she was looking right at me

and stef was like well ok now we know what it is and he started walking out so i was like 'ok, yea' and i went with him even though i wasnt done! but, to be honest, okay no offence to him, but i was just sort of wishing i went alone because he was just kind of rushing through everything, he doesnt really care about visual art that much. ok i mean no he does care but like hes just a musician and nothing else , so, i mean i just would have preferred to take my time. but the thing is i can just go back anytime now. so thats what i did the next day when i got off work i went right back in there. i finish work at 4 and the gallery closes at 6 and its really not a big place at all so i took time to inspect as much as i wanted. the worker was like 'oh do you have a delivery for us' lol i was like no its just my unform im off work

so this statue is the only one in the whole place okay, just to put it into perspective, so it makes sense that he would get his own room, like theres barely even any sculptures in the whole place either just some pots and like, errrr , stained glass things. theyre super cool but, well this is odd because to be honest ive never been one for sculpture i guess. i mean i appreciate them as an art form of course like i see statues outside and theyre cool to think about the person who carved them and put them there but its just like, im a painter, so i pay more attention to the paintings . but im really just so enthralled by this statue

ok so now i was alone in this room with her, i really got to look closely, its amazing just how detailed he is, like i was walking around and looking from all the angles i could, i was wishing those rope things werent there so i could get even closer and touch. i even like looked around the room for a camera or something but there was one in the corner . there was thing um, plaque ? thing, you know one of those metal engraved things on a stand, i dont know how i didnt notice it the first time. there wasnt a year, nothing other than words, and i was real pissed that i didnt notice it when stef was with me because the words are all in french, i dont know a word of french but its stefs first language so i was like shit if i noticed this when we were here together i couldve gotten him to tell me what it said. and you know ive gone there so many times since then every single time i go i think to myself 'ill write this down so i can ask stef next time i see him' and i forget every single time. maybe ill remember now since ive written this out.

im enamoured, and i really just have no other way to describe this
since then ive gone to the gallery nearly about every other day after my shifts to visit her. the workers all know me by name now. one time i asked about that camera **JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY** i made that very clear but like, without being suspicious, i feel like such a creep writing this out almost like im confessing my plans to steal or commit vandalism or something, but anyway they told me that camera actually isnt even plugged into anything, so, okay
hes just completely alone in that room . i go in and i stand there and i stare. she stares back at me and i , i dont know, i feel it, we are looking at each other, i feel like she smiles at me whenever i walk in even though her face is always the same

ive seen him blink, i know i have i swear on it, i didnt react because i didnt want to scare him, but he knew i saw, i think she wanted to show me that she was there. ive reached out to touch her a few times, only gently because i dont want to leave a fingerprint behind, .... and he didnt feel cold, no, i think im being delusional here, i mean its marble of course its cold, but, not ... what you'd expect, i guess, it was just a light gentle stroke on the scuplted draped fabric of her robe

my body feels warm when im there with her, everything in my mind calms down, i just feel utmost peace . and i really wish i could take a chair or something in there so i wouldnt have to stand. id sit next to her on the , err , ledge, i guess, but im scared that maybe the worker lied about the camera or someone will walk in, people have walked in while im in there and it feels awkward, sometimes they talk to me and i just have to be like 'haha yeah', i dont know
and its a little uncomfortable when the workers say hi to me because like i said before they know me by name they know i go in so much and they know im only there to see him, they probably think im really weird or creepy or something, but for pretty much the first time ever i dont really care what they think because i just want to be with him

you know i , .. i dont really think about love or romance at all anymore because i havent dated since i was 21, its not that i dont have any interest in it or anything, i just dont think about it, really, but , i feel really weird saying this , i feel like now i just, i *know* i dont want anything with anyone anymore, i , ... i cant articulate this well enough and i feel almost ashamed to say, which i shouldnt because im never going to show this page to anyone or even talk about it at all for that matter, i just dont think anyone could make me feel the same as how i feel when im alone with her,

its , intimate

the few times ive tried painting her i felt like i just cant capture her properly, i borrowed one of verns cameras a little while ago to take a photo but, i dont know it just felt kind of wrong to do so i deleted it and gave his camera right back. not wrong like, immoral, i guess, it just didnt look right, it just didnt compare to looking at the real thing. id rather just keep going back and see for myself than to rely on a photo,

i think of his face all the time and the way he looks at me

i, okay i feel like i sound insane
i dont have to tell anyone, i dont know why im so embarrassed

ive started having dreams about her, where she kneels down to me and caresses my cheek, i get that one a lot , or where we're together like, ... errr , jeez. .... a couple, just, doing things
um, and there was this one long elaborate one where she had this giant gothic mansion and she had invited me over,.. oh i dont quite remember what exactly happened in that one, she was dressed in this long red satin or silk ( ... im not quite sure which) dress and black lace gloves, i wrote the whole thing down in some other notebook somewhere

and then there was another one where she flew in through my window while i was in bed, i reached out to her and she climbed on top of me, and, well, okay, actually, i dont think ill ever write that one out, id rather just keep it safe in my mind
that one felt very real i . i almost feel like it actually happened, i visited him the day after and, he seemed , um, almost bashful, i guess,
obviously it didnt happen because those windows dont open wide enough at all, and theres a screen on them
... ... ... .. .. .. ...... ... if only, though

i just, wish i knew what her name is, or something, anything, it almost feels like i know what her voice sounds like